I can understand the contradiction of emotions; it might seem perplexing and counterintuitive to miss an abusive ex-partner. Let’s start with the concept of missing. Why do we miss anything? Typically, we miss something that’s been a part of our lives and has given us some sort of pleasure. The very urge to hold onto that pleasure creates longing. But can we miss something that was painful or displeasure? The answer is not simple.
You might not miss the unpleasantness or pain itself, but rather the familiarity it carried or perhaps the pursuit of joy. Look carefully, I said “pursuit of joy,” not joy itself, because if joy is already there, it can leave us with no purpose or pursuit. Or let’s put it this way: we become so accustomed to searching for happiness that it becomes part of our comfort zone. Therefore, when happiness actually comes, we miss our comfort zone and purpose of searching. But let’s leave the introduction here and dive into the possible reasons behind why you miss your abusive ex-partner.
5 reasons Why you miss your abusive partner
1. Trauma Bond
A trauma bond is a psychological phenomenon in which a strong emotional connection develops between a person and their abuser. It typically occurs because the cycle of abuse involves not just outright mistreatment, but also moments of affection and love. Consider it this way: a person engages in gambling, experiencing ups and downs of winning and losing. However, the inconsistency makes the winning moments feel more grandiose and rewarding as they follow periods of losses.
Now, imagine that this person ends up losing everything due to gambling, leading them to quit and rebuild their life. Despite moving on, they still miss gambling. Why? Because when pain accompanies pleasure, the pleasure becomes intermittent reinforcement. It feels more rewarding compared to situations where constant pleasure is guaranteed. This unpredictability creates a strong bond and adds an addictive element. Therefore you still miss your abusive ex-partner
Strangely, people often say they want someone who reassures them and makes them feel secure, whereas those same individuals find attraction in mixed signals — assurance, doubt, reassurance, doubt — because assurance isn’t just assurance, it’s a reward when it comes after a period of doubt. Whereas if they met someone who’s assuring, they may experience a lack of spark, or the famous “I mean there isn’t anything wrong but Not my type” syndrome lol. We humans and our emotions are peculiar.
2. Familiarity
Let me say those golden words “People choose familiarity over happiness”. As I always say humans confuse happiness with familiarity, despite the toxicity, an abusive relationship might have become a comfort zone. Or maybe some childhood mistreatment and abuse also contributed to adulthood abuse to make it normal and familiar, Humans tend to seek what’s familiar, even if it’s harmful because it feels safer and fear of the unknown is real, even in an abusive relationship it becomes a pattern.
Have a look at this equation:
Abusive Pattern + your coping mechanism to deal with it + pleasure (intermittent reward ) = Security
This equation creates predictability and your healthy or unhealthy coping strategy to deal with it and their intermittent pleasure becomes so certain and definite that it gives strange security and when you somehow manage to escape that matrix you miss that familiarity and security.
3. Self-blame
Often, abusers manipulate you after abuse to make you believe it’s not them, it’s you, leading the victim to believe they don’t deserve better treatment. Therefore, they might feel dependent on the abuser for validation and acceptance. Even after a breakup, you blame yourself for the breakup, not their behavior. You feel like they aren’t responsible for all this; you are, which kind of creates a soft corner for the abusive ex. Ultimately, it contributes to the yearning for their presence.
4. Selective Perception
I always notice this when people talk about their past relationships: they selectively choose facts based on how they want to perceive that relationship those emotionally high peaks instead of the feeling of just another mundane day.
Memory is an interesting concept. After a breakup, we tend to seek the good part only not abuse, trauma bond, or familiarity leads us to perceive abusive relationships with a selective lens of “It wasn’t that bad.” We recall times when our partner showed care, affection, and love because, as mentioned earlier, affection after pain feels more significant and rewarding. It gives you a high. Therefore, after a breakup, you miss those highs, like a gambler who, after losing everything, misses gambling by selectively remembering the moments when they won.
5. Withdrawal Symptoms
As mentioned earlier the abusive relationship involves major highs and major lows and because of the very inconsistency in “Highs,” it adds up addictive element therefore when such relationships come to a halt it comes with withdrawal symptoms where flashbacks of certain instances and memories surround you, you miss that love bombing and their way of reconciliation after abuse and fight.
How to deal with it
- Look for therapy to process those emotions and move on emotionally and mentally from past abusive relationships. Usually, such relationships leave imprints on your psychological well-being. Make sure you’ve washed off those stains; otherwise, their odor ruins your mood.
- Work on your self-esteem. Usually, people who come out of abusive relationships struggle with self-esteem issues, self-dependence, and self-blame, inducing the need for validation from someone else, which can result in missing your ex.
- If you are isolating yourself, make sure you are socializing and surrounding yourself with those who genuinely care for and love you.
Conclusion
Missing your abusive ex-partner is a common phenomenon. Just make sure it doesn’t lead you to patch things up quickly or rush into another relationship, which could be a rebound or potentially another abusive situation. Instead, focus on dealing with the emotional and mental challenges effectively. Seek support from professionals and stay close to your loved ones.