What is Trauma bond? Why People Bond to Those Who Hurt Them?

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“Even though they hurt me, I can’t imagine my life without them. They’re the only ones who understand me.”
“I know that sometimes they hurt me, but that doesn’t mean they don’t love me.”
“Those who love you can hurt you; only they can hurt.”
“Nobody is perfect; therefore, even if they have issues like a normal being, I’m responsible for helping them. I can’t just abandon them.”
“I know they hurt me a lot, but other than this, there are no issues with them, I mean there are worse relationships than ours and the thought of leaving them fills me with guilt.”
“Whenever things get really bad, I remember the times when they were kind and loving. It’s like a glimmer of hope.”
“Sometimes, they can be really sweet and loving, and I hold onto those moments. It’s what keeps me going.”
“They assured me that things will get better, and I understand this is just a phase, and things will get better.”

It’s as if you know they are hurting you, or going to hurt you, or always keeping you on the knife edge. But their love and affection, accompanied by your fear of being lonely or insecure attachment style, allows you to rationalize and intellectualize all their abuse. In some cases, people go into denial of abuse.

There’s research that shows how victims of trauma bonding include denial, minimization of abuse, self-blame for the abuse, seeing the abuser as a good being (as the abuser shows love and affection as well), or accepting the hurting element and violence just to remain in it. Anyway, defining the term would be just another formality for this article because the above statements might be enough to give you an idea of what Trauma Bonding is but I’ll define it later either way.

The term ‘Trauma bonding,’ given by Patrick Carnes, replaced the old term ‘Stockholm Syndrome.’ Even contemporary psychological literature sometimes refers to it as Stockholm Syndrome, this term broadly encompasses such relationship, whereas trauma bonding specifies different situations and subtleties where bonding can occur and different ways of how it manifests.

Stockholm Syndrome seems obviously problematic—it’s like feeling a connection with your kidnappers. There’s this movie by Imtiaz Ali called ‘Highway,’ where the protagonist starts feeling a connection with the kidnapper. It was Stockholm Syndrome, but trauma bonding is more subtle. There’s a cycle of trauma, maybe an already established emotional or romantic connection, which makes it different from Stockholm Syndrome. Okay, let’s define it.

Defining Trauma Bonding

Trauma bonding is a psychological phenomenon in which a strong emotional connection develops between a person and their abuser, typically due to a cycle of abuse accompanied by intermittent reinforcement. I know “intermittent reinforcement” makes the definition fancy; it’s nothing but affection and love shown by the abuser. Such an abusive relationship often involves a cycle of tension, stress, abuse, remorse, and hurt (emotional or physical), but also affection, care, and love. This unpredictability can create a strong emotional bond, as the victim becomes conditioned to associate periods of love and affection with safety and security.

However, if you look closely, it could be a coping mechanism in an inescapable situation, like parental abuse or some “seemingly inescapable” relationships where the fear of being alone or attachment styles won’t allow the victim to leave. Therefore, the victim forms a deep emotional connection as a way to cope with challenging and threatening circumstances, also practicing unconscious defense mechanisms. The victim shows powerful resistance to seeking help or ending the relationship, and sometimes even to accepting that this relationship is abusive (denial defense mechanism).

Another aspect is that if victims have trauma bonding with parents, they tend to unconsciously seek partners who have the potential to form a trauma bond with them because it’s familiar. As I always say, people choose familiarity over happiness. People don’t always know what makes them happy; they often settle for familiarity even if it is hurting them, or going to hurt them, with all possible defense mechanisms at work to justify it.

There are always reasons involved behind your romantic interest; otherwise, why would you fall in love with two or three people among hundreds you’ve met? Because there’s always something that differentiates them from others, but that thing is complimentary just to you. Otherwise, everybody would’ve fallen in love with the person you love if your love bond were “objective.” It is always subjective in everyone’s case; there are specific reasons that suit only you and are familiar to you. That’s why only you love them. But it’s never a problem, problem begins when you make bonds that are only gonna hurt you. Now, to spot it out, I’m pointing out some signs of trauma bonding.

Signs of Trauma Bonding

It’s important to note that not all abusive relationships lead to the creation of a trauma bond. However, while writing this, it feels risky because this statement can contribute to the victim’s defense mechanism, thinking, ‘Yes, trauma bonding is a thing, but it’s not the case with me because, in that article, it’s said not all abusive relationships turn out that way.’ It’s my article I won’t let you escape. So, be honest with yourself. If your relationship involves physical abuse, emotional abuse, violence, manipulation, elements of hurt, or the risk of hurt, accept it and work in the direction to save yourself. Now, let’s understand the signs of trauma bonding.

Offers justification to others regarding the actions of the abuser – “Oh, he was just stressed,” “It’s a tough phase for him actually; that’s why he’s behaving that way, but actually, he’s a loving person.”

Deceives friends and family members regarding the abusive situation – “Everything is actually going well” (but in reality, it’s not the case).

Victims don’t feel comfortable with or able to leave the abusive situation – “I know it’s abusive and hurting me, but that’s how love looks like; it’s not just about the good parts,” “I feel responsible for them, and abandoning someone is not actually a wise thing to do; that’s why I’m there.” (There could be unconscious defense mechanisms and insecure attachment styles.)

Self-blaming: Victims think the abuse is their fault and live with total acceptance, sometimes believing they deserve it – “Whatever she did, there must be a reason. Who wants to lash out in anger for no reason? Who hurts people for no reason? I must have done something.”

The abuser follows a cycle – “Actually, after every outburst, he apologizes for his behavior, and I understand he’ll change, as he promised me after yesterday’s fight that he’s sorry and will change himself.” it’s the cycle of abuse, tension, and reconciliation.

The abuser makes commitments – “She has assured me that she’ll change herself, and the circumstance will not be the same.” Actually, it never happens, but hope and concern create space and reasons to remain in the relationship.

The abuser controls the victim through manipulation – “I realized I was wrong; actually, what he said is true. I think considering their perspective actually makes sense.” That’s how manipulation works, where even if you are the victim, the twisting of truths and perceptions make you believe it’s okay and fine, or their given perspective is better than your truth or experience.

The abuser isolates the victim from their friends and family – “Ah, I feel like it’s true; my friend actually thinks poorly of me. I shouldn’t spend much time with them,” “I have to spend time with him and leave my friends for a while; only then can I improve our relationship and bond.” Sometimes, the abuser convinces you to isolate yourself; sometimes, you isolate yourself just so you can make a better bond with the abuser.”

What are risks for Trauma Bonding?

Who is susceptible to trauma bonding in an abusive relationship?

Childhood maltreatment: Past abuse can normalize unhealthy relationship dynamics, leading survivors to unconsciously accept or seek similar patterns. As mentioned earlier, familiarity in chosen romantic bonds plays a significant role.
Low self-esteem: Individuals with lower self-esteem might find it challenging to break free from an abusive relationship and are more tend to engage in abusive relationships. The abuser’s manipulation reinforces negative self-perception, creating a cycle of dependency where the abuser always seems right.
Exposure to abusive relationships: Growing up witnessing abuse may imprint these patterns. This is different from childhood maltreatment because, in exposure to abusive relationships, it’s not necessary that one is on the victim’s end; they are just witnessing abuse. This exposure can influence one to replicate such dynamics in their own relationships.
Attachment insecurity: Individuals with insecure attachment styles may struggle to form healthy connections, making them more prone to bonding with an abusive partner.

How to break Trauma Bond

Breaking a trauma bond can be emotionally challenging, and I understand how difficult it is. As a result, most people find reasons to stay, but it’s not impossible. Here are some possible steps you can take:

Look at the evidence and all elements where the hurt is involved objectively, without mixing it with subjective feelings of promises made hope, love, and affection.
Look for safety plans if you are in an abusive situation. It’s not like you have to figure it out alone; there are national domestic violence support hotlines and Child Help National Child Abuse Hotline. Seek support.
Lower self-esteem can facilitate such abusive relationships. Work on your self-esteem through self-talk and self-care. Don’t blame yourself, and practice actions that make you feel self-dependent.
Seek support from peer groups.
Therapy is particularly the most crucial step you can take. I can’t stress enough how important it is, not just to overcome this abusive relationship but to change your patterns that always lead you to make such bonds.

Trauma Bond Withdrawal Symptoms

Let’s talk about something that is often less discussed – The Withdrawal symptoms of Trauma bond breaks. These bonds are strong because they take you on a rollercoaster of extreme emotional highs, whether it’s hurt or love, sorrow or joy. Therefore, when a person breaks a trauma bond, they may feel withdrawal syndrome. The withdrawal symptoms of trauma bonds include:

Questioning your decision to cut off, possibly experiencing guilt.
Craving for the person. This craving occurs because of the love and affection they have shown, and the way they reconciled with you after abuse and fights; you crave that love bombing.
Anxiety.
Flashbacks of certain instances and memories.
Lack of attention.
Isolation.

But mind these withdrawal symptoms; focus on the present moment.

Conclusion

Trauma bonding can be comforting not just because of the love and affection involved as reinforcement, but sometimes due to familiarity. It’s important to note that feeling this way is nothing to be ashamed of, and it doesn’t mean you are weak. It didn’t start with you, and nobody is solely responsible for everything. However, the decision to break such bonds will be yours. Make sure to deal with it delicately and seek professional support if possible.

Read how boundaries affect relationships. How to set Boundaries