The history of your partner or someone you are dating always brings insight into the person. It becomes important to know the past of a person, as it’s the trajectory of their life that helps you understand and know them more.
However, knowing the past of your partner might also bring some problematic emotional experiences, one of which is retroactive jealousy when peacefully accepting the past becomes a struggle, and you constantly find yourself dwelling in their past.
Let me clarify first what retroactive jealousy is not: if your partner’s current behavior involves comparing you to a previous partner or frequently making statements like “they would’ve reacted or done that differently,” and you feel jealous or inadequate that’s not retroactive jealousy.
It’s when your partner’s romantic past triggers intense feelings of jealousy, insecurity, and inadequacy in you, even without direct comparisons. This feeling arises when an individual fixates on their partner’s past, feeling distressed by obsessive thoughts of their partner’s previous romantic encounters or experiencing intense emotions whenever their partner mentions something about their past.
This isn’t necessarily linked to whether your partner is still in contact with their ex, although that can contribute to retroactive jealousy. In the book “Jealousy” by Jack Novick and Kerry Novick, (experienced psychotherapists in psychoanalysis for over 50 years), there’s a chapter on “Retroactive Jealousy” where they discuss a case involving their client John, who was involved with a schoolmate.
When John was around 15 years old and sexually active with this girl, she disclosed that a year earlier, she had experienced assault in a date rape situation. John reacted with anger and wanted to find and beat the assailant.
While this may seem understandable until twenty-five years later when John was 40, he still obsessed over thoughts of that girl and her attacker several times a day, filled with rage and jealousy. He recognized the irrationality of his fixation but couldn’t control his thoughts.
Let’s consider another example involving Angela and Dwight. They frequently discuss each other’s past, and Angela unintentionally triggers jealousy, insecurity, and feelings of inadequacy by comparing her boyfriend’s ex with herself.
This comparison induces a sense of inadequacy in her and triggers her insecurity and when their present experiences don’t measure up to or surpass her boyfriend’s past experiences this retroactive jealousy becomes more obsessive.
Signs of Retroactive jealousy
It’s important to be aware of retroactive jealousy so that you can deal with it effectively, here are some important characteristics or behaviors associated with retroactive jealousy.
- Obsessive Thoughts: “I constantly think of both of them together, and it drives me crazy. Sometimes, I think they were happier than us and it’s me refraining this relationship from happiness.”
- Seeking Reassurance: “I don’t feel secure until or unless they assure me. It seems I need constant affirmation of their love for me. It makes me feel better especially when his statement makes me feel they love me more than their ex.”
- Imagining Scenarios: “I keep thinking about them with their ex and can’t stop myself from imagining intimate moments they have shared. It is causing me distress, and the feeling of uneasiness isn’t going away.”
- Seeking Details: “I feel like I need to know every little thing about their past. Some part of me doesn’t want that information, as I know it could be uncomfortable to manage, but the other part of me seeks every minute detail. Then I feel bad about myself or can’t resist imagining those scenarios.”
- Comparison and Insecurity: “I keep wondering if I’m good enough compared to their ex, even when it comes to intimate moments. It feels like I have to outperform someone, and I feel inferior.”
What causes Retroactive Jealousy
1. Personal Insecurities: Sometimes, individuals dealing with personal feelings of shortcomings and insecurities tend to draw comparisons with others or their partner’s exes, which can elicit jealousy.
2. Fear of Abandonment: If you’ve experienced past abandonment or betrayal, or have undergone some form of trauma, it can lead you to constantly assess the present relationship or your value in the eyes of your partner compared to their ex.
3. Fear of Inadequacy or Existing Feelings of Adequacy: Either you ensure you won’t remain inadequate and strive to be “the perfect” partner they’ve ever had which compels you to compare yourself, or there exists a prevailing feeling of inadequacy already that leads you to draw conclusions confirming your belief that you are inadequate by selectively comparing yourself with your partner’s ex being oblivion to the fact that they are “Ex” for a reason.
4. Chasing Perfection and Sensitivity Toward Rejection (sometimes accompanied by sensitivity toward criticism).
5. Vivid, Obsessive Imagination About Your Partner’s Past.
6. Dwelling Too Much in the Past, including detailed yet unnecessary information.
7. Self-esteem Issues.
8. Struggling with Sense of Self-worth and Uniqueness.
How to get over retroactive jealousy
I’ve written possible solutions, and they are not meant to replace professional advice. It is suggested that if you are dealing with retroactive jealousy in an obsessional and unmanageable way, please consider professional assistance, as it could also be a sign of underlying mental health issues. Let’s move on to the solution.
1. Firstly, recognize and acknowledge these feelings without judgment. Feeling jealous about your partner’s past is normal as it involves someone else in your place, even if it occurred in the past. However, fixating on it excessively can be detrimental. Accept that these thoughts exist but don’t let them define your relationship.
2. Practice mindfulness techniques to redirect yourself to the present moment, and communicate these feelings with your partner. If you are unable to handle these intrusive thoughts, make sure to seek professional help, as in rare cases, it could be a form of OCD, obsessive jealousy, or delusional jealousy. Practice grounding techniques to keep your mind in the present.
3. Work on self-assurance to reduce the need for external validation. Sometimes, seeking assurance arises from personal insecurities. Do not rely excessively on your partner to feel secure.
4. Set boundaries and only seek necessary details when delving into your partner’s past. Understand that the uneasiness of not knowing a few things would be more manageable than the discomfort of knowing unnecessary details. Learn to refrain from seeking uncomfortable details.
5. Personal insecurity, feelings of worthlessness, and low self-esteem lead to comparisons. It’s as if you have an inferior perception of yourself; therefore, to confirm your belief, you collect data and conclude your partner’s dating life in a way that confirms your perception of yourself. Deal with self-esteem issues, and acknowledge your worth and uniqueness.
Conclusion
If you believe you’re the only one experiencing jealousy or rage due to your partner’s past (retroactive jealousy), my response to that is: No! It’s a fairly common phenomenon, as underlying factors causing retroactive jealousy are often found in the general population.
Remember, it’s crucial never to judge these feelings or blame your partner for your emotional experiences. Instead, talk about it, express what you’re feeling, and seek help if possible. Engage in introspection, recognize and acknowledge the struggle, understand the underlying causes, and practice coping strategies accordingly.
Furthermore, remember that if your partner explicitly imposes past experiences on you, compares you with their ex, or mentions their ex inappropriately, and you experience feelings of jealousy and rage it’s not retroactive jealousy. In this case, it’s crucial to have a conversation with your partner about this issue, avoiding blame again, as people sometimes are unaware that their behavior might be hurtful. Handle yourself and your relationships with care.