What is emotional infidelity?

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Without categorizing cheating in boundaries of sexual contact let’s understand the different possible aspects of it, what is emotional cheating? It’s a thing, this is not just another Gen Z term; it’s a label for a complex emotional situation. Instead of calling it an emotional affair, I’d prefer to refer to it as emotional infidelity, which sounds more intense and serious.

Let’s talk about emotional infidelity. I don’t know why people aren’t discussing it, or maybe they are, but the concept is so complicated that they may not fully understand what emotional infidelity is. Perhaps they are the ones who are engaged in it or are victims of it. Although ‘victim’ is quite a harsh term to use, bear with me; the complexity created by the blurry lines of right and wrong often leaves people confused. Imagine emotional infidelity as a plot twist in a cheesy rom-com, where you find out your partner has become emotionally involved with someone else, and you feel like you’re playing the role of the oblivious sidekick.

We usually think of cheating or infidelity as being sexual, whether it’s a one-night stand or an ongoing sexual affair. However, there is also emotional infidelity, which is non-sexual but doesn’t diminish the psychological damage it can cause. In my opinion, the definition of infidelity could be subjective and should be mutually decided within a relationship because it’s more about trust and communication than the actual act. However, even if someone comes with their worldview of cheating or their schema, it’s not necessary that they won’t suffer mentally or make their partner suffer.

Let’s delve one layer deeper into this. If you’ve made a decision unilaterally to cultivate greater intimacy with someone other than your primary partner, is that emotional infidelity? The answer is no. However, if you’re emotionally intimate with someone and become more secretive and exclusive, and it’s actually harming your primary relationship (See I’m using the term ‘primary relationship’), all while holding onto your primary relationship, no matter how exciting or mundane it may be, then we have what can be termed as emotional infidelity.

Some people feel emotionally cheated because their partners become excessively engaged in an inappropriately deep, sustained closeness with someone else, to the extent that they feel excluded. However, because this type of cheating is often subtle and non-sexual, people tend to blame themselves. It may appear healthy on the surface, making it hard to accept, understand, and confront, ultimately leading to a deterioration of the relationship.

Emotional infidelity is often disguised as phrases like ‘They are just close friends,’ ‘But they need someone, and I’m just being supportive,’ or ‘I want a life apart from you as well.’ It’s not that you can’t have a life or a circle of friends beyond your partner, but it’s about those specific bonds you create that are questionable, especially when they negatively impact your primary relationship in terms of emotional engagement, time, frequency of contact, and more

Let me simplify the entire emotional web and provide you with some objective signs of emotional infidelity.

Signs of an Emotional Cheating

If you are feeling confused and unsure about whether it’s an emotional affair or not, here are some significant signs that strongly indicate it may be

Secrecy

Secrecy is a significant sign of concern. It’s different from privacy. Even in a relationship, a certain level of privacy is acceptable, but when you start hiding something that could be a cause for concern or a threat to the relationship, it goes beyond privacy.

Secrecy in emotional infidelity often begins with omitting something that is too inappropriate to share with your partner. You might delete specific texts or hide particular conversations you’ve had. Let me put it this way: Imagine you are a part of a movie, and everything has been recorded on camera. Would you be comfortable if your spouse or primary partner watched that movie?

Peace with unresolved conflict

Peace with unresolved conflict can be a sign of emotional infidelity. You connect with others more because things are less complicated with them. It’s like an escape from what exists in your primary relationship, and you avoid addressing the issues at hand. While it may not be bothering you, the intimacy with the other person is helping you remain oblivious to the problems in your romantic relationship.

Questionable hours

Priority is something that exists in a hierarchy of time and effort. When chatting and calls with someone else become more frequent to the point where it becomes questionable, it could be considered emotional infidelity. If you are knowingly or unknowingly shifting your priority to someone else, to the extent that they become the first person you want to call when you’re too sad or too excited, it can complicate matters.

Now, it’s important to note that it’s not necessary for a romantic partner to always be your go-to person in every ebb and flow of life. However, if shifting this priority to someone else takes a mental toll on your partner or hampers your relationship (provided you have not kept it a secret), then it’s not a healthy situation.

Inappropriate sharing

Partners should always have discussions with each other about what they find appropriate or inappropriate in the way both of them interact with someone else. An emotional affair can start when you engage in conversations that go beyond work and the usual aspects of life, delving into intimate details about your life, relationship, personal issues, and sex life.

However, it’s important to note that you can have such conversations with someone else, but if all of this leads to growing discontent in your primary relationship and there are matters you are not discussing with your partner but are sharing with someone else, this could become problematic.

Comparison

It’s synonymous with poison, whether you compare your present partner with your ex or, in this particular case, you frequently compare your partner to the person you are emotionally occupied with. You may become angry with your partner for not doing things like the other person, or you might expect your partner to behave in a specific way, similar to the other person. It’s concerning.

Why emotional infidelity happens

It’s another revelation you might be wondering about What’s going on? Why are they doing this? Is it some latent love for the other person expressing itself in the form of emotional infidelity? Are they actually going to cheat on me? Am I not lovable anymore? Has our relationship become lifeless?

Let’s go another layer deeper into this matter with two possibilities: Firstly, they might be doing all of this very strategically, consciously, and intentionally. Secondly, they may not even realize that this is happening. More often than not, emotional infidelity occurs unconsciously, but that doesn’t give anybody a free pass from the issue. It’s still there. Oftentimes, when one partner’s deeper emotional needs are left unmet, such as the need to share how their day went, share childhood stories, or discuss something exciting about a new hobby, it could be anything so it can lead to seeking fulfillment elsewhere. When someone else is available to meet these needs, it can lead to thoughtless indulgence in the regular sharing of thoughts, feelings, dreams, and passions, blurring the boundaries of friendship.

However, it’s essential to note that infidelity can also be a conscious choice. This brings us to the point of how to discuss it. How to communicate about this matter with your partner.

How to talk about emotional cheating with your partner?

The matters of relationships are delicate. Avoid accusing or blaming anyone and suddenly playing the victim. These relationship issues are sensitive, so it’s important not to act impulsively. Keep it the other way ask them:

Have you ever felt emotionally cheated, or do you think it’s even a thing?
Discuss boundaries, including their definition of a romantic partner, dating, friendship, and the level of boundaries they create in each scenario.
Share your understanding of all this and your perspective on romantic partners and friends.
Avoid using accusatory or confrontational language. Instead, focus on your emotions and concerns. For instance, say, ‘I’ve noticed some changes in our relationship,’ rather than, ‘You’ve been acting suspicious.
Express, ‘I’ve been feeling hurt and concerned about our relationship lately,’ instead of, ‘You’re emotionally cheating on me.’ Remember, as I always say don’t immediately point fingers at someone else for your emotional state.
Work together on resolving the issues and consider seeking professional help if possible.

What are the impact of emotional infidelity?

Emotional affairs can have several profound effects on a relationship, including:

Feeling betrayal and emotional pain.
Could induce feelings of unloved, worthless, inferior
Trust issue begins
Feeling of guilt, shame, anger and frustration
Worsen communication between you and your partner

Conclusion

Emotional infidelity is a complex and ambiguous situation where a lack of clarity and communication can have psychological costs. It’s better to educate not only yourself and your partner but also your loved ones.

Feel free to drop your feedback in the comment section, including your questions and queries in the comment box.