Let’s start with an example of a mundane conversation between a couple setting their plan for the weekend.
Dwight: I was thinking we could visit my parent’s farm this weekend. They’ve been asking to see us for a while now.
Angela: Huh! Again? We just saw them two weeks ago. I was hoping we could have some time to ourselves, maybe go hiking or shopping for my cats.
Dwight: But they miss us, monkey, and I think it’s important to spend time with family.
Angela: I get that, but I feel like we’re always doing what others want. We’ve our own life to live, what about what we want?
Dwight: I don’t know, it’s just…..I don’t want to disappoint them. They are my parents after all
Angela: And what about my disappointments?
Dwight: But I expect you to understand me, it’s about my parent’s feelings……..
Look how it’s heating up. Nevertheless, it seems like a normal, mundane conversation between a couple, but I won’t let you perceive it as usual. Let’s look closely. In this conversation, Dwight’s response reflects his inner child’s desire to please his parents, seeking their approval and avoiding disappointment, especially parental disappointment because when Angela showed her disappointment, Dwight didn’t care much.
Dwight’s tendency to seek approval from parents might stem from experiences in his childhood where his parents’ validation was crucial for his emotional well-being. Perhaps he received love and praise when he fulfilled his parents’ expectations but felt a sense of rejection when he didn’t meet those expectations. Therefore, in adulthood, his decisions have a huge impact due to this learned behavior. His self-worth and self-esteem are directly proportional to what extent his parents going to validate him.
On the other hand, Angela’s desire for autonomy and doing what she wants, instead of pleasing someone, stems from childhood experiences where she might have had more independence or felt pressure to conform to others’ expectations. There might be instances where Angela’s desires in childhood were overlooked or dismissed, leading her to develop a strong need for independence and a sense of control over her life. Her inner child might seek autonomy as a way to assert her needs and desires, seeking validation for her own choices and autonomy within the relationship.
That’s how the inner child’s lens comes into your perceptions, impacting your decision-making from complex to the simplest situations you face. In this scenario of Dwight and Angela, conflict took place because one’s inner child sought validation while the other sought autonomy. Whenever both clash, there will be conflict. So, I think it’s a perfect start, let’s get into this.
Defining Inner Child
Picture a young version of yourself, that two-year-old you, full of boundless curiosity and unfiltered joy. Every experience was novel, from your mom lifting you onto her lap, the giggles, and listening to lullabies—everything was new. New neural connections were taking place in your highly sensitive and developing brain, as your mind was first exposed to the ebb and flow of life. All experiences were forming new neural connections, from beautiful adventures and memories to dreams and nightmares. You were depositing everything in your brain.
Your mom scolded you for eating green vegetables, and due to this scolding, you developed an aversion to vegetables. Neurons that fire together wire together. Some of you have seen caregiving and loving parenting, while some might have experienced inconsistency and abusive caregiving. All these experiences, interactions, and relationships during your developmental stage give structure to your inner child. One experience impacts the next, as experiences during the early stages shape perceptions.
The way you were treated in childhood has a profound impact on the developing brain, enhancing its imprint. These experiences are like building blocks, creating a ground floor on which multiple floors are built. Suppose you are 25 years old—imagine you are on the 25th floor. If someone wants to meet you, they’ll have to journey through from the ground floor to the 25th. If the ground floor was contaminated with viruses, harmful pathogens, some flowers, and some thorns during its construction, they still remain. As you’re on the 25th floor, whoever comes to meet you will be influenced by those pathogens by the time they reach you.
Let’s replace metaphors: the pathogens are your early, faulty, harmful beliefs residing on your ground floor, representing the early developmental stages of your existence during construction. Those who want to meet you now are your new experiences at 25 years old. Therefore, these new experiences must pass through the perceptions you formed in your early experiences. In Dwight’s case, his ‘ground floor pathogen’ was ‘Seek validation from parents’. Flowers represent healthy perceptions, while thorns represent distorted and faulty perceptions that infect your new experiences and perceptions.
Let’s conclude this with a few examples.
How Inner Child Impacts
I think some hypothetical examples can help you to grasp this concept of inner child and you’ll be able to understand the depth and significance of it.
Example 1:
Kevin’s mom: “Kevin, don’t be ridiculous. I’m not going to buy this candy. Stop throwing tantrums.” (She slapped Kevin.)
Kevin: *Started crying*
Kevin’s mom: *Started acting as if she was crying* “I’m not a good mama Kevin. I shouldn’t have slapped you.”
Kevin: *Seeing his mom crying, he thought he was responsible for his mother’s emotions and started consoling her*
Kevin’s mom: *Stopped crying, thinking she diverted Kevin from the candy, and he stopped crying as well*
Impact on Inner Child: Kevin learned that his emotions and needs are not as important as others’, therefore in adulthood, he always found himself sacrificing his needs and happiness for others.
Example 2:
Pam: “Dad, I feel sad because my friends didn’t want to play with me today.”
Pam’s dad: “Stop overreacting, toughen up, and stop bothering me with such small things.”
Impact on Inner Child: Pam’s attempt to communicate her emotions is invalidated, teaching her that her feelings are unimportant or wrong. This pattern might lead to an inner child that suppresses emotions, feels unworthy of attention, and struggles with expressing feelings later in life.
Example 3:
Michael: “Mom, I got a B on my test.”
Michael’s mom: “You should have done better. You are not trying hard enough. You’re always disappointing me.”
Impact on Inner Child: The consistent criticism induces a sense of inadequacy and low self-worth in the child. This pattern might lead to an inner child that seeks external validation, struggles with self-esteem, and feels a constant need to please others in adulthood
Example 4:
Andy: “Mom, I’m scared. Can I sleep in your room tonight?”
Andy’s mom: “Stop being such a baby, Andy. Go back to your room and grow up. There’s nothing to be afraid of.”
Impact on Inner Child: The lack of emotional support and dismissal of the child’s feelings can lead to the development of an inner child that feels insecure, and fearful, and learns to suppress their vulnerability, leading to difficulties in seeking support or expressing fears in adulthood.
Conclusion
The concept of the inner child is not something mystical or new age bogus; the inner child carries emotional wounds, insecurities, unhealthy coping mechanisms, perfectionism, transgenerational trauma, and attachment issues — all aspects of the inner child. There are also beautiful aspects in the case of a healthy childhood, such as good self-esteem and autonomy. The good part is that all these conflicts within the inner child are curable. However, healing and integrating the inner child are topics for another article.
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