Let’s begin by acknowledging that dating nowadays has become quite complicated, as it was but without another complex layer of label, Just to be answerable for the most awkward question “What are we?” People end up developing labels From “platonic” and “the talking phase” to “dating,” “FWB” (friends with benefits), “situationships,” “textationships,” “delusionships,” and countless others.
We’ve created this for the sake of convenience, but in reality, it backfired. By the way, it’s our fear and, to some extent, our thrill, along with our delicate hearts, that drive the creation of these strategies and labels for certainty, peace, and defense. We create them to shield ourselves from this unpredictable and ambiguous world.
I mentioned unpredictability; this is why you carry out a red-green flag personality assessment in your mind to make the person predictable, allowing you to decide whether to enter a relationship or whatever-ship (eye roll). We do this just to protect ourselves from grief and those long, dark, and cold nights spent crying.
Essentially, we tend to be cautious because no one wants to deliberately break their heart, at least not consciously (whispering: Perhaps unconsciously, you might want to break your own heart, but that’s a topic for another article on another day)
So, you must be aware of this red-green dichotomy, determining whether a person is suitable to be a romantic partner or not. This strategy is prevalent in the dating world, which is now filled with flags, and there’s even a beige flag, which denotes the person who’s somewhere between red and green.
Let’s begin with a brief introduction to what this red-green dichotomy is all about. Traits that are undesirable from a relationship perspective are considered red flags, while green flags represent desirable traits. Now look, at what I just did; I used “desirable” instead of “healthy” and “undesirable” instead of “unhealthy.” Why? Because this distinction between healthy and desirable is the game-changer. Before delving into it, let’s take a look at these statements:
1. “After that argument, he didn’t even bother himself to reconcile; he is a rascal—red flag.”
A different perspective – When you eagerly seek reconciliation, love bombing, or chase from your partner whenever you distance yourself or after an argument, it’s because you seek comfort and a sense of security in their reconciliation and chase. Therefore, you often put your partner to the test by creating space for them to chase you, and for those who don’t chase, you consider them a red flag.
This is usually done by people who have experienced abandonment in childhood, so even minor distance from someone feels like the end of the world, and their efforts to erase that distance feel comforting. When their partner tries to give them space to figure themselves out and what they really want, they often misunderstand this green flag act as a red flag.
2. “Bro, she was pretty…pretty boring. Dating her was dull, so I ended things—not so green flag for me. I didn’t feel that spark with her.”
A different perspective – You unconsciously love drama because your childhood involved experiencing the ups and downs of life or the constant presence of parental dramatic situations. Therefore, it feels like home when people are in a constant state of peak emotion, be it excitement or sadness. As a result, people who are actually healthy for you can seem boring and be considered a red flag.
3. “It seems he has different priorities and no time for me. He’s a red flag who doesn’t have time for his love. He should marry his friends then.”
A different perspective: When you’ve been left out of things and not being a constant priority in childhood then in adulthood this behavior threatens your sense of security, dominating all your partner’s time may feel safe, as it suggests they won’t leave you and you pursue such partner again and again because of familiarity. However, someone with different and changing priorities is actually a healthy person to be with, not a red flag.
4. “He always showers me with expensive gifts and constant attention. Oh God, how sweet and considerate. He is a huge green flag.”
A Different perspective: Considering love bombing and being the center of attention all the time is actually a sign of a red flag, where you feel entitled to all of this, and their love language may not be healthy. The reasons behind it could be countless, and it’s not a green flag.
5. “He’s a green flag, bro. I’ve seen this; he drops everything and is always available for me. I mean, what else do you want?”
A different perspective: Another perspective is that extreme availability might suggest a lack of personal boundaries or independence, which could lead to co-dependency issues. It’s not a green flag.
6. “It’s been twenty days, and we’ve been on three dates. She doesn’t express herself much. I’ve been open about my feelings, but she was not very expressive about hers early on. It’s frustrating. I told her that my therapist said expression is important. She’s a red flag, bro.”
A different perspective: While expressing affection is important, rushing into deep commitments and love declarations might indicate emotional instability or a desire to move too fast without getting to know each other. Everyone takes their own time to open up, so if someone is not expressive according to your standard time, it doesn’t mean they are a red flag.
And the list is never ending ugh! Just Look at the complexity now let’s unearth the entire phenomenon.
What is Versus What we perceive
It simply means that what you perceive is often influenced more by your perception than by what is. The difference between what is and what we perceive is a fundamental aspect of not just relationships but every human interaction. Often, our perception of others is filtered through the lens of our experiences, biases, and expectations.
This means that what we believe about someone or how we perceive them may not necessarily reflect the actual case. Our judgments are shaped by our limited information, which can lead to misunderstandings. Engaging in open-mindedness, empathy, and refraining from drawing immediate conclusions, trying to look at things from a different perspective considering someone else’s opinion, or even entertaining opposing beliefs could be a wise thing to do.
Symphony
Individuals are like unique symphonies rather than just another musical instrument, as we often think. Humans are as complex as tangled earphones, and I can see how easily people categorize those around them, reducing relationships to mere attachment styles, operating with the dichotomy of red and green flags. Believe me, it’s not that simple. In fact, doing so not only limits the other person but also restricts our own worldview.
Relationships, whether romantic, familial, or friendships, are inherently complex, encompassing a wide range of emotions, motivations, experiences, and perceptions. The interplay between these two dynamic tapestries of experiences and challenges shapes our lives. We are so emotionally diverse from one person to another, and our communication styles, conflict resolution, trust, and vulnerability all differ and are perceived differently. Therefore, categorizing all of this into just two major categories of red and green flags is not a good reductionist approach.
Traffic light
What you thought to be green might turn red, and it will turn green for someone else who sees it as red. You must have seen your green flags turning red, that’s the point where you’ve broken your heart, ah! It’s like a traffic light that you walk under while it’s green and suddenly it turns red, leading to another accident. But why does this happen?
Well, that’s the point. Without considering the nuances and other variables of human relationships and behavior, we often jump to conclusions and make quick personality assessments. The truth is, that human psychology is complex, dynamic, and multidimensional. We tend to focus on surface-level information rather than understanding the depth of it. Drop this red flag-green flag assessment as soon as possible and send this article to someone who really needs to understand all this.
What to do?
Healthy minds tend to seek a healthy environment, so how can an unhealthy mind recognize healthy choices? The primary issue with the mind is its tendency to favor familiarity over happiness, often confusing happiness with what is familiar. What is truly joyful may seem boring and uncomfortable or you might call it a red flag.
I always suggest that you look within before looking outside. Become more self-aware, explore your inner self, and understand why you like what you like, what triggers your anger, what makes you feel loved, and what is your conflict resolution style. What is your language of hate? and what drives your dreams and motivations. Start by being honest with yourself and seek professional help if needed.
Know love, before you look for it. Tell me how you would recognize someone you don’t know. In a similar way, how would you recognize it’s the feeling of love? and why are you so sure that your feeling of love is love? How would you love someone then? I’ve read somewhere that “The way you have been loved is the way you love others”, and I think it’s that love you seek as well.
Once you’ve gone through this self-discovery process, then you can consider those generic pieces of advice everybody is eager to give you on the internet like looking for a trustworthy, respectful, and emotionally compatible partner. Everybody can offer suggestions on what to look for; the internet is full of it. But I’m asking you, do you have the eyes to see it? How would you recognize what you are looking for even if you found it?
A whole unique perspective on relationships. Interesting narrative style!
Thank you for reading it means a lot.