Let’s understand How boundaries affect relationships Suppose you have a beautiful garden full of delicate flowers and plants would you make a fence around your garden? Of course, yes. Why? If garden fences are rickety, broken, or aren’t there at all anybody can enter knowingly or unknowingly, pests, weeds, and animals can easily jump over and ruin your beautiful garden but if your garden fences are sturdy and defined and constructed it would provide a clear delineation of your space.
So just think of yourself as a beautiful garden and boundaries as fences around it when you do not surround yourself with a fence, people might trample over you, and without a well-maintained fence, you may feel vulnerable, and overwhelmed all the time as the relationship becomes chaotic and disordered whereas if your boundaries are well defined that is you kept sturdy fences individually and as a couple. Flowers in your garden would spread their scent all over this allowing individual growth, a sense of safety, and respect of personal space.
What does it mean to set boundaries?
Now let’s put boundaries into day-to-day sentences about how boundary establishments look like in communication just so you can exercise this and be able to recognize when someone sets boundaries with you. Read the following sentences I’ve bold the part of the sentence that is meant to set boundary
- “I enjoy when you make jokes about my silliness and laugh but just don’t do this publicly it makes me feel uncomfortable” Here the boundaries have been established where the person said what is allowed and what makes them uncomfortable clearly
- “I understand you and love spending time with you but I’m sorry, I want to spend this weekend with my family” Here person said “no” and established boundaries while exercising their will and choice.
- “I’m not comfortable with someone touching me even normally” This is establishing physical boundaries.
- “I need time for myself every evening so I can’t talk this time” These are boundaries of personal time.
- “You guys seem comfortable sharing your intimate life but sorry I can’t discuss my sexual life other than my partner it makes me feel uncomfortable”. Establishing boundaries in social settings.
- “I understand you have close friends and a charming personality but I’m not comfortable when you flirt with others at social gatherings”.
- “I understand the urgency sir but I’m out of office hours if it’s not that urgent can we look into this matter tomorrow morning”
These are examples of what boundary setting looks like.
How unhealthy boundaries looks like?
Unhealthy boundaries can manifest in various forms in a relationship it could be emotional, physical even financial, and co-dependence. Let’s understand what unhealthy boundaries look like so that you can be aware of them in yourself. Read the following statements:
A: I went through your phone because I need to know something/ Sorry I didn’t ask you I was just checking something.
B: No, no it’s fine. (when you are not fine)
In this case, A didn’t bother to take permission and even if A did so, B didn’t establish a boundary by saying “No you are not supposed to do this.”
A: Hey, I see you from there what’s your name, can I have your Instagram account?
B: hehe Thank you, here’s my Instagram ID, you can search it (whereas internally you don’t want to give anyone your contact but you didn’t say no)
This is how unhealthy boundaries look like where you find yourself doing what you actually don’t want to do.
What are adverse effect of unhealthy boundaries.
People with unhealthy boundaries or those who don’t respect others’ boundaries both affect their relationships negatively, I’m listing down some possible effects of not setting boundaries with a brief explanation of each.
1. Emotional Drain: You become like a sponge constantly absorbing the emotional spills of others, their expectations, and responsibilities, and become heavy over time.
2. Unfulfilled Needs and Desires: You bury your desires and needs beneath the layers of inhibition and restriction and this starts taking surface in the ways you don’t understand as Sigmund Freud said “Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.”
3. Frustration and Resentment: When you constantly allow others to overstep your boundaries, you may start feeling resentful and frustrated over time which only impacts the longevity of the relationship.
4. Poor Self-esteem: When you allow someone to disregard your needs and feelings it may feel like you are not important which can erode your self-esteem and affect your self-worth.
5. Poor decision-making: You always feel the pressure from people’s opinions and you usually compromise what you like and end up making decisions influenced by people around you.
How to set boundaries in a relationship
Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is crucial for maintaining your well-being and fostering respectful relationships. I think if I give you general terms and advice on setting boundaries like “Learn to say No”, and “Give priority to your time and emotions” these advice sounds good but even after reading them people don’t understand what they exactly have to do so here are some examples of how to set boundaries, along with statements you can use in various situations so that you learn the very fundamental aspect of boundary setting
1. Financial Boundaries: Example: A family member/friend who frequently asks for money.
Statement: “I do care about you, but I need to manage my finances responsibly. Let’s discuss how we can support each other without straining my budget.
2. Social Event Boundaries: Example: Being invited to social events that you have no interest in attending.
Statement: “Thank you for the invitation, but I can’t make it to this event. I hope you have a great time, and we can catch up soon.
3. Intimacy Boundaries: Example: A partner pressuring you for intimate activities when you’re not comfortable.
Statement: “I love being close to you, but I need you to respect my boundaries when I’m not in the mood. Let’s talk about what works for both of us.
4. Family Boundaries: Example: Overbearing parents who try to control your life choices.
Statement: “I appreciate your concern, but I need to make my own decisions and learn from my mistakes. Please respect my choices and give me space.
5. Time Boundaries: Example: Friends who frequently ask for your time, leaving you with little personal time.
Statement: “I value our friendship, but I also need time for myself. I can’t always be available. Let’s schedule time together that works for both of us.
6. Emotional Boundaries: Example: A friend who frequently shares their emotional burdens without reciprocating support.
Statement: “I’m here for you, but I also have my own emotional needs. Let’s make sure our conversations are balanced, and we can support each other equally.”
Does Setting boundaries compromises closeness?
If you mean healthy closeness, then the answer is no. However, if you mean that closeness where you are actually full of resentment, doing things forcefully, and constantly sacrificing yourself, then yes, boundaries can help. Try to understand that you can promote closeness with someone with whom you are genuinely happy.
If you are not happy at your core and you are calling it closeness, you may have unhealthy concepts of closeness and love. Boundaries allow you to be yourself, and the other person respecting those boundaries means they care for you. This, in turn, can bring you closer together but just in case your friends and people around are not respecting your boundaries even after asserting them you need to reconsider friendships and the choice of your social circle. Drop your Questions in the comment section if there’s anything left or if you’ve any doubts, share this article in your social circle.
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