Let’s start by differentiating loneliness from feeling alone. Suppose you had a great day with your beloved one yesterday, and now you are just sitting idle, thinking about them, missing them, and that longing is making you unhappy (I haven’t used the word sad; let’s keep it unhappy). That feeling is called aloneness. Well, there could be another scenario where you were feeling happy and missing their presence. Is this aloneness? Yes! Another scenario is where you are just missing them but feeling neutral. Is this aloneness? Yes. In another scenario, where you aren’t missing someone and just being aware of your aloneness, that’s also feeling alone.
That’s the point: aloneness can be neutral, positive, and negative, but it usually comes with some “absence”—some absence that leaves you alone. People casually interchange aloneness with loneliness. Loneliness is something when all presence feels like absence. It’s more of an emotional state when there’s everybody yet nobody. It’s when you are with your partner but still feel distant, and disconnected, as if something is lacking, leaving, missing. It’s a quiet, silent symphony and screaming silence within.
So, aloneness is something understandable; it’s the absence of something or the longing for presence. But what’s the case with loneliness? especially in the context of the title of this article, “Feeling Lonely in a Relationship” There cannot be a single reason for everybody’s feeling of loneliness. We all have different experiences, perceptions, past traumas, attachment styles, and communication styles, and the reasons for loneliness vary accordingly.
Another important distinction that needs to be made is: is it you or your relationship causing loneliness? Let’s talk about it.
Is it you, them, or the relationship?
Oftentimes, both partners as individuals have nothing wrong with them, but there’s unacknowledged incompatibility causing problems in the relationship. In such cases, nobody is at fault; it’s like two different pieces of a puzzle that are beautifully crafted but unfit when brought together.
Another thing to acknowledge is whether a relationship is based on loneliness or love, you or your partner enter the relationship because of loneliness knowingly or unknowingly, and now the habit of each other feels like love but loneliness persists, that’s another topic for another day whether a relationship is based on loneliness or love?
So, I don’t want to describe what’s happening in your relationship or whether it’s you or them behind the reason for loneliness. I’m listing down some self-reflective questions so that you can ask and answer for yourself, not just merely read the article but put effort into self-reflection.
- Have I felt lonely or isolated even before entering this relationship?
- Am I neglecting my personal interests, hobbies, or social connections that used to bring me happiness?
- Do I have open and meaningful communication with my partner, or do I often feel unheard or misunderstood?
- Do I feel emotionally supported in this relationship, or is there a lack of emotional connection and intimacy?
- How often do we spend quality time together that fosters a sense of connection and reduces loneliness?
- Do my partner and I share common interests, values, and goals, or do we have significant differences that contribute to feelings of isolation?
- Are external factors like work, stress, or health issues affecting my emotional well-being and indirectly causing loneliness in my relationship?
Asking yourself these questions can provide valuable insights into the source of your loneliness and guide you in addressing the underlying issues.
What are Some signs of Loneliness in a Relationship?
Although I’ve mentioned a feeling of loneliness in the introduction but let’s discuss some precise signs of loneliness in a relationship:
- Feeling of distance from each other: Like two parallel lines that are together but not meeting, always there but not connecting. “We meet and sit together, but still, I can’t shake the feeling of loneliness.”
- Lack of communication: The absence of meaningful conversation: It’s all about the quality of communication, the meaningfulness shared or not, “After our conversation, it feels like what we did was superficial or formalities of a relationship.”
- Reluctance to share everyday stories: It feels unnecessary or not worth sharing about the smallest part of the day. “I used to love telling him about my day, the funny things that happened at work, or random stuff, but now I find myself keeping those stories to myself.”
- Diminished intimacy or sexual connection: The decline or cessation of sexual intimacy is a significant sign of a relationship, as physical/sexual intimacy is an important aspect of a romantic relationship.
- Phone or distractions become primary: In this chaotic world where another “controlled chaotic world” is a click away, using the phone has unfortunately become a means to escape from reality. Scrolling through the phone while sitting with each other instead of talking and having communication could be a sign of loneliness in a relationship.
How to communicate feeling lonely in a relationship
Expressing feelings of loneliness in a relationship can be challenging but trust me not communicating could be more problematic therefore open and honest communication is essential for understanding and building a healthy bond. Here are some statements I’ve listed down some statements you might consider to have an idea of how to communicate your feelings of loneliness with your partner, especially without blaming them:
- “I want to be transparent with you about my feelings. Lately, I’ve been feeling a bit lonely, and I think it’s important for us to address it together.”
- “I miss the closeness we used to have, and I’ve been feeling a bit lonely. Can we work together to bring back that connection we once had?”
- “I’ve been feeling a bit lonely lately, and I wanted to talk to you about it. I value our relationship, and I think it’s important for us to be open with each other.”
How to deal with the loneliness in a relationship
If you are able to identify the root cause of loneliness within your relationship you should work particularly on it or undergo a couple of therapy apart from this I’m listing down some tips to exercise in your day-to-day life.
- Nurture your relationship: Explore both emotional and physical intimacy most people struggle to actually understand how to practice emotional intimacy for example being emotionally vulnerable, embracing the awkwardness of being open and uncomfortableness of being emotionally naked which includes sharing the deepest to silliest thought, and feeling it creates a deeper understanding between both partner, ignite romance, also it could be date nights, recreating memories, writing love letter.
- Invest in yourself: It is beneficial for couples who take care of themselves at the level of emotions and physical health individually as to mentally and physically sound beings lead a healthy relationship
- Spend time with your other friends: relying for everything on your partner could lead to emotional exhaustion therefore spending time with your other friends could be crucial for both partners to diffuse emotional dependence and it also exposes you to different perspectives and experiences that can enrich our lives.
- Mindful Presence: Reflective Suggestion: “I’ve noticed that in our busy lives, we might not always be fully present with each other. Let’s make an effort to be more mindful when we’re together—putting away distractions and genuinely enjoying the shared moments.”
- Try couple therapy: The best you can do. Professional help can reignite your relationship as it investigates the precise cause of your experience of loneliness in a relationship and exclusively works on that issue. A Gentle Suggestion to communicate: “What do you think about considering couples therapy? It’s not a sign of weakness or involving a third person in our personal life is not unusual; it’s an investment in us. A professional can help us navigate any deeper issues that might be contributing to this sense of loneliness.”
Conclusion
In conclusion, first, you have to differentiate aloneness from loneliness. Then, you have to navigate your loneliness, and understand it, which requires introspection and open communication, not just with your partner but with yourself as well. Be honest with yourself, and address underlying issues, including the source of your loneliness, the dynamics of the relationship, and the quality of intimacy shared. Take proactive measures, and nurture yourself and your relationship. As I’ve said, couple therapy could be the best way to deal with it, apart from the four points mentioned above.