We all know relationships are a pretty complex phenomenon, and everyone has their own philosophy and ways to approach and perceive relationships. People come up with different opinions when it comes to this famous question: Does the past matter in a relationship? For some, it’s a closed chapter, and a new relationship is another chapter of another book; for some, it matters more than the present.
Let’s delve into this. Before coming to any conclusion, let’s understand the role of the past in your life, keeping aside relationships. As people already have notions and biases about their own philosophy on relationships, it can impede them from viewing this article from a neutral point of view. So, let’s understand the role of the past in a more holistic and general sense, firstly, instead of narrowing it down to relationships, just to omit the bias and pre-existing beliefs.
Relevance of Past
I’m not delving into childhood past influences as they play an important role in shaping your personality and perception. Let me shed light on the near past, and the recent past, and let’s understand: Can the recent past impact our present? How important is it?
For instance, for someone who has recently experienced a series of failures or setbacks in the last five years, these setbacks cannot just vanish away with no significant impact on the individual. They might feel demotivated, and develop low self-esteem, accompanied by doubts about their abilities. They might feel hesitant to take risks or fear failure, which can become a self-fulfilling prophecy and invite more failure.
During my research in Kota a city in India known as a coaching hub and infamous for being a suicide hub, full of students from different states preparing for competitive entrance exams, I realized that most of the reattempting students who had previously failed in exam hold significantly more pessimistic views for the upcoming exam compared to freshers. This insight wasn’t part of my research but something I gathered after interviewing considerable aspirants.
You may not even realize how recent past events contribute to altering your schemas, impacting your cognitive processing. For example, if someone had a traumatic event, they might develop more paranoia when approaching similar situations in the future.
The most crucial thing is behavioral patterns. For someone with a history of problematic romantic relationships—for instance, lack of commitment or breakups as the honeymoon phase fades, or a behavioral pattern of rebounding from one relationship to another or rushing into relationships, awareness of these patterns always provides insight into the person.
All your past experiences contribute to shaping who you are in this very moment. In psychoanalysis, we call this psychic determinism that whatever you think is already determined. Your thoughts and perceptions influence your behavior I hope we all agree on this, our behavior creates a flux in the environment—changes it, manipulates it, leading to more thoughts and perceptions.
Now consider this: You cannot exist without thought (at least in a day-to-day sense—I’m not delving into enlightenment and the philosophy of thoughtlessness). Whenever there’s thought, inevitably, the past is involved. Your Thoughts influence your behavior but thoughts are nothing but the past so how can a past be insignificant okay let me shed more light on how your thoughts are past.
Consider this: Just think what is thinking and what we think. You’ll realize it’s all tied to the past. Most of us aren’t even thinking of something entirely novel for the future. You might say, ‘I’m thinking about writing a book, creating a song, or buying a Rolls Royce; I’ve never done that in the past, it’s new and not influenced by my past.’ But in actuality, it’s a sheer projection of an idealized past onto the future to feel certain, and we call it ambition. Okay, take this example.
A fish in a small bowl can only imagine a larger bowl, perhaps a pond. Or, with much novelty, the fish might end up with an ambition for the endless bowl i.e. ocean. However, the fish never imagined being on someone’s morning breakfast plate. Why? Because frying Pan or plate was never a part of the fish’s past. The past of the fish was the water body, and the wildest thing the fish could imagine was a giant water body, not a frying pan.
Therefore, we think our thinking is novel, whereas it’s just a projection of the past in an ideal way or a repetition of the past. Which makes what happened in the past important enough to matter. This knowledge brings two clarities: First you cannot think future second you carry your past in your thinking always and thinking influences your behaviour and interaction with anyone therefore your behaviour is a derivative of the past.
Impact of Past on Relationship
Considering that a person has not done anything to deal with themselves, they haven’t worked on themselves and never sought any professional help, which left unresolved issues unresolved. As someone said, ‘Conflict delayed is conflict multiplied.’ But even to be aware of whether they have worked on themselves or not, you have to consider their past. Here are some points about the role of the past in present relationships:
Attachment Style: Attachment styles do not change effortlessly, and even when someone with an insecure attachment style comes in contact with someone with a secure attachment style, it takes at least four years to transform the insecure attachment style into a secure one that too not necessarily.
Therefore, past relationships can shape individual attachment styles. The way someone describes their past relationship can immediately tell you what their attachment style is without waiting for months and facing ups and downs with a person. Instead, you can immediately save your relationship from falling into a pitfall by making yourself aware of your partner’s attachment style and working together accordingly.
Emotional Baggage: Someone who is lingering with past hurt from a breakup or holds significant unresolved triggers from a past relationship can affect their ability to fully invest in a new relationship. Random triggers can induce unreasonable arguments and can impact communication, trust, and intimacy in new relationships.
Once you become aware of how they have been treated in the past, what triggers them, and what soothes them, because sometimes people cannot tell you these things with words. But with the help of referring to certain past events where they got hurt or felt great, you can easily understand the emotional aspects and needs of an individual instead of putting years into it by understanding them only when these unhealthy emotions resurface.
Behavioral Pattern: Most importantly, individuals might unconsciously seek out patterns that resemble past ones or repeat their past, both positive and negative experiences. They might be drawn to a partner who displays similar traits to an ex or exhibits similar traits as they are used to. Even if those traits were detrimental in the past, being aware of their past, even from their point of view, as when someone tells about their past, it’s always a half story which is only their point of view but still, it brings a lot of clarity about the person you’ve decided to share a significant part of life.
Example
Imagine someone who had a troublesome relationship in the past that ended due to constant arguments and misunderstandings. In their present relationship, they might find themselves overly cautious, quick to interpret innocent comments as criticism, and they were hesitant to express their feelings openly.
Their past experiences might have instilled a fear of conflict, impacting their communication style and ability to trust their partner fully.
However, through therapy or self-reflection, and discussing their past they might recognize these patterns and actively work on improving their communication skills and trust issues. Over time, they could learn to differentiate past triggers from present realities, which only helps to build a healthier and more fulfilling relationship based on newfound insights and personal growth.
Conclusion
I’m not suggesting you become a Sherlock Holmes and start investigating the individual, but don’t be neglectful or ignorant either. Everything matters; you cannot just be ignorant of someone’s trajectory in life, which made them who they are right now.
If I ask you what made you who you are right now, you’d have to point to your past. Even when you go for therapy, the very inquiry includes a discussion about your past. When you go for a job and they ask about what you did in a gap of two years, they are considering the past. So why not in relationships? What’s wrong with this?
Don’t romanticize relationships as something different from all pursuits in life. Be aware and responsible. It’s not just about you; a relationship built out of unawareness, deception, and fallacies damages both individuals.
However, also take precautions: don’t cling to your partner’s past. Accept it and don’t reject them because of the past if their present behavior seems healthy. Therefore, if you are considering someone for a relationship and they have a problematic past, make sure to approach them with empathy and help them deal with it. Never become blind to any aspects of a person just because you are interested in them neither past nor present.