No one can damage you more than guilt-tripping parents or especially stereotypical “guilt-tripping mothers”. Let’s speak their language:
- “I’ll die someday, and then you’ll regret and understand what you’ve missed.”
- I guess I shouldn’t expect any help from you when I’m struggling all by myself.”
- “I did so much work; you take me for granted. When I die, only then will you realize this.”
- “I don’t want to be a burden, so I’ll just figure it out on my own like I always do.”
- “I just asked you for a little help; otherwise, I was already doing this even before you were born.”
- “I carried you for 9 MONTHS, and this is how you’re paying me back?”
- “I’ll manage somehow, even though I always thought my children would be there for me when I needed them.”
- “I don’t know WHAT you are talking about. I’m not mad; it’s totally fine.” (door slams, aggressive cleaning, ices you out)
- Silent treatment.
I think it’s enough to help you understand, although you might have heard your mother’s voice in your head by now. Let’s take an interesting turn and read this statement carefully: ‘Oftentimes, guilt-provokers are guilt-sufferers themselves.’
Guilt is such a powerful feeling of remorse that people start projecting it. Therefore, if your mother is trying to make you feel guilty every time, some of her behavior may be driven by her own unrecognized and unresolved guilt.
You might find that no matter what you do, she has something to criticize about you, as if she is seeking unrealistic perfection from you and you are the person at fault again and again, no matter what.
Whenever we talk about “mothers” from a psychological perspective, the famous Sigmund Freud’s face comes to mind. But I’m giving you another name to consider from now on. Instead of Freud, Donald Winnicott, a pediatrician and child psychotherapist, introduced the theory of the ‘good enough mother.’ Actually, he said something interesting: that sometimes a mother hated you when you were a crying baby. He gave 18 reasons why she might have felt hate or extreme annoyance.
According to Winnicott, that feeling of annoyance is actually healthy. Anyway, let’s get back into it because your mom might have hated you at times; therefore, unconsciously, she carries the feeling of being a ‘bad person’ and projects it onto her children, saying, ‘I am not the bad one; you are.’ To deal with an unconscious knowledge of ‘I’m a bad person,’ all these lists of her sacrifices and victimizations come in the form of guilt-tripping.
Or maybe your mom carries that feeling from her childhood, or maybe guilt-tripping is simply her learned behavior. She learned that it works, and now it has become a habit to make children follow her or at least to make herself feel good.
How to respond to guilt trips from Mom?
Self-evaluation: It’s crucial to distinguish between toxic and healthy guilt. Evaluate first whether the guilt instilled by your mother stems from healthy reasons or not. By being true to yourself, don’t necessarily identify if this guilt even if it is healthy just extract the learning from it and use it to navigate what steps to take next.
Communication: Communicate with your mom about what she can expect from you and what you expect from her. Allocating time for family is important. Draft a list of things that she can reasonably expect from you. Similarly, express any major changes you expect from her. However, ensure fairness by not burdening her with changes that fall far outside her ease while maintaining your comfort zone. Establish mutual expectations in a rational and honest manner.
Avoid assuming responsibilities: In family and relationship dynamics, we often emotionally assume responsibilities and become co-dependent. Subconsciously, we may feel accountable for tasks or roles that lead to guilt if unmet. Consider Pam, a daughter who has always taken on the responsibility of organizing the kitchen and doing the dishes. Over time, this unspoken role became deeply ingrained in her sense of duty, causing guilt when she couldn’t fulfill it. Recognize such assumed responsibilities. You might believe it’s your responsibility to keep your parents or mother happy, but this conviction might be irrational. Think about it.
Reframe the conversation: Redirect conversations to focus on specific issues rather than getting entangled in guilt. For instance, if your mother says, “You never have time for me,” respond by discussing specific instances when you made an effort and discuss it further.
Maintain composure and set boundaries: When confronted with guilt-tripping, remain composed. Understand that it’s her perspective, not a reflection of you. Refrain from internalizing her words and responding defensively or resorting to name-calling like “you’re selfish.” Assert your standpoint calmly and respectfully. Acknowledge and validate her emotions while asserting your perspective without blame.
Seek professional help or family support: Reach out to a trusted friend or family member for emotional support and perspective. Consider seeking professional help to address underlying issues and improve communication within the family dynamic.
Conclusion
Guilt-tripping from a mother can be emotionally exhausting and challenging. It stems from her own unresolved guilt or could be a learned behavior. Understanding this dynamic can help you address this behavior instead of leaving it unresolved. Engage in self-evaluation, exercise empathy, and establish healthy boundaries. Seek support from peers and family, and if possible, consider professional support.