- “I love romantic gestures. Is it even a relationship if there’s no exchange of handwritten letters, flowers for no reason, or surprise dates under the stars?”
- “I’d do anything to make you happy, even if it means sacrificing my own needs or desires.”
- “Oh god, there’s no one like him. It’s the ultimate thing that ever happened to me.”
- “I think true love is about finding someone whose soul aligns perfectly with yours, creating a bond that’s unbreakable.”
- “I want to merge our lives completely, to the point where it feels like we’re one person. That’s how deeply I feel connected to you.”
- “I dream of a love that’s passionate, intense, utterly consuming, where we’re lost in each other’s world.”
- “When we first met, I felt like you were the missing piece of my soul. I can’t lose that connection.”
You might find these lines pretty normal or something everyone loves to say and listen to, to express their love and affection, but here comes the twist: what makes these lines problematic? It’s something less discussed. What makes these lines problematic is the frequency, intensity, and underlying motivation behind using these cheesy, romantic lines or having this worldview. To genuinely believe in the sentiments expressed in these lines is something concerning. The idealized view of love is concerning, let’s get into this.
What is a Hopeless Romantic?
A hopeless romantic is someone who is more in love with the idea of being in love, who strongly believes in love and romance, the ideal true love; often seeking out grand gestures, or overly romanticizing small gestures, believing in soulmates. Their perspective on love is deeply passionate, dreamlike, perfect, and an everlasting connection.
Am I saying, do not think about your partner that way? NO! Am I saying Do not express your affection with cheesy and romantic lines? NO! What I’m saying is do not believe in this in a very idealistic and literal manner real connections aren’t made that way.
A hopeless romantic is someone who does all this and thinks this is the way like literally, that’s how the world turns all rose pink and beautiful when you are in love and perceive all this in a very literal and serious way.
They might be drawn to romantic movies, novels, romantic concepts of romance from Pinterest that depict intense, passionate relationships, or love stories that defy all odds. They might prioritize the emotional aspect of a relationship over practical consideration, believing strongly in the power of love to conquer obstacles.
What made you hopeless romantic ?
Let me come straight to the point: all these worldviews of love and checklist you made on Pinterest aren’t how intimacy and real connection look like. I’m sorry to ruin your beautiful, flowery world, but it is what it is.
The good part is people who are hopeless romantics approach new relationships in a very positive way, irrespective of past hurts and wounds. But being this “Love enthusiast” can involve ebbs and flows; it can easily hurt and disappoint them and ruin their expectations from friends, crushes, or partners because reality isn’t the way they were expecting. Let me give you some possible reasons behind being a hopeless romantic:
1. Idealization of love: I’m not degrading the value of love, but seeking perfection or an idealized version of a romantic partner. This can stem from childhood experiences, such as exposure to fairy tales or witnessing strong, positive relationships within the family.
2. Desire for Validation and Security: Idealizing love and a romantic partner could be an unconscious attempt to gain validation, security, or a sense of identity through the relationship. The partner becomes an anchor for their emotional stability and self-worth, and their days revolve around their partner. This usually stems from a fear of abandonment or from experiencing unhealthy relationships earlier.
3. Unmet Needs and Emotional Instability: They might have experienced emotional neglect or trauma in the past, leading them to seek intense emotional contact. Therefore, fantasizing about love and idealizing relationships or partners is a way to fulfill their unmet emotional needs and stabilize their sense of self-worth.
4. Defense Mechanism: Sometimes, being a hopeless romantic and overly occupied with the partner, love, affection, and excitement around it serves as a way to protect oneself from past disappointments or traumas related to love by creating an idealized version of romance. Maybe it’s a way to avoid anxiety-inducing issues in personal life, as confronting the self can be anxiety-inducing and overwhelmingly conflicting. Therefore, deviating attention from oneself by overly romanticizing and overly engaging in love matters acts as a defense mechanism.
5. Projecting Fantasy: Hopeless romantics might project their own desires and fantasies onto potential partners, seeing in them the qualities they wish to find rather than objectively seeing the person they are. Therefore for them, their partner is the perfect person.
7 Signs of Hopeless Romantic
What distinguishes a “hopeless romantic” from “just being romantic” is their inclination to prioritize the pursuit of an idealized, obsessive form of love at the expense of finding healthy, lasting, enduring relationships. Someone considered romantic typically enjoys gestures of love and affection. They might delight in giving flowers, planning special dates, or expressing their feelings through words or actions. They appreciate and actively participate in romantic gestures but may not be entirely consumed or driven by them.
Conversely, a hopelessly romantic person tends to have a more intense, almost idealistic view of love. They might strongly believe in grand gestures, the power of fate, and the idea of a soulmate. Their approach to love might be characterized by an almost unshakable belief in romantic ideals. This can lead to heightened emotions and expectations, sometimes to the extent of overlooking realistic aspects of a relationship, possibly leading to a more intense and emotionally driven approach to relationships. The following are traits of being a hopeless romantic.
1. Too Fast, Too Furious: You rush into relationships, falling in love too soon because, as I mentioned earlier, you’re more in love with the idea of being in love. Taking it slow and steady isn’t your style. A few dates and boom! They become your life partner in fantasies. You find yourself rereading chats, overanalyzing their behavior and conversations, forecasting the future, calculating “Flames,” and experiencing intense feelings that create a pseudo closeness where you feel closer to them in your head than in reality.
2. The Relationship Philanthropist: You invest a lot of time, money, effort, emotions, and energy too soon. Often, these investments are one-sided, or they compel the other person to respond out of pressure or guilt.
3. Daydreamer: You daydream about love, weddings, and married life. Over-romanticizing love impedes you from experiencing actual love. The sad truth is that true, deep love and connections aren’t always exciting. It can be mundane, filled with hard work and uncomfortable conversations, yet peaceful and rewarding. Meanwhile, hopeless romantics are always seeking excitement with sparkling eyes.
4. Too much Euphoria to acknowledge problems: I’ve mentioned projecting fantasies above; your eagerness to be in love prevents you from considering problematic aspects or traits that aren’t suitable for a healthy relationship. Most hopeless romantics remain in denial about potential unhealthy traits in others because acknowledging them could disrupt their fantastic, fairy-tale-like love life. Even if these potentially unhealthy traits are apparent, you may romanticize them to fit into your world of euphoric love.
5. Every other one is “the one”: Everyone you meet might be “The one,” “The soulmate,” or “No one like them.” You tend to place your partner on a pedestal. If you look carefully Idealizing them serves a purpose: it helps you overlook their negative aspects so that a perfect relationship worldview would be justifiable, basically acting as a defense mechanism to maintain your euphoric, overly romanticized worldview of love.
6. Unrealistic optimism: Optimism is good, but becomes problematic when it surpasses healthy boundaries. Ignoring certain aspects of a person or possibilities that don’t align with your optimistic worldview can contribute to unrealistic expectations about romantic relationships.
7. Checklist: It’s like ticking off all the boxes on your romantic relationship checklist: Handwritten letters done, 2 am rooftop conversations done, sharing playlists done, cooking food for them done. Essentially, what gives you a high in a relationship or fascinates you. It’s similar to those kids who are more concerned about living the “college life” than fulfilling the purpose of college, which is education.
Similarly, the other person becomes a means to fulfill your fantasy and bucket list of being in love which makes you feel happy and complete and you confuse that happiness with actual love or it becomes a defense mechanism, as I mentioned earlier—being so obsessed with each checklist item and all romanticization that can easily ignore your own life and unhealthy aspects of it.
The problem of being a hopeless romantic
1. High frequency of hurt: Being a hopeless romantic often leads to more frequent hurt in relationships or ending up in toxic relationships. This happens because of the tendency to overlook potential unhealthy signs in the “celebration of love.”
2. Difficulty finding compatibility: You’ll eventually realize it’s more of you in the relationship than them. Not everybody shares the same level of romanticism, making it challenging to find someone who reciprocates those intense feelings and ideals about love.
3. Unrealistic Expectations: Setting knowingly or unknowingly unrealistic expectations can lead to constant disappointment. Even minute changes in their behavior can feel like they’re not up to the expected “mark.” Which can hurt you, and make you concerned every other day if everything is okay or not.
4. Disconnection from Reality: Living in a world of idealized romance can sometimes make it challenging to navigate real-life situations in a relationship.
5. Frequent Breakups: Hopeless romantics, as mentioned earlier, invest too much of themselves too soon. They treat the other person like “the one,” leading the other person to fall for them. However, as I mentioned earlier, this often has nothing to do with a true connection.
Sooner or later, uneasiness sets in, the idealized concept of being in love fades, and real love becomes questionable, leading to conflicts and eventual breakups or toxicity. Look carefully I used the term frequent before breakups by frequent breakups, I mean that after break the next person soon seems like “The one,” which increases the number of relationships and, consequently, the frequency of breakups.
6. Pressure on Partner: The constant euphoria of love and excessive investment in a relationship create unhealthy boundaries. Over-idealizing your partner can make them feel pressured, burdened, and overwhelmed, trying to live up to unsaid expectations, which creates stress in the relationship.
What to do about it?
- Consider therapy: Hopeless romantic love could be a consequence of unresolved issues, such as fear of abandonment, unmet early needs, attachment styles, or, in some extreme cases, personality disorders. A mental health professional can work with you to explore why you tend to do so and help you develop a healthy relationship, not just with your partner, but firstly with your own self.
- Learn boundary settings.
- Become more self-aware of your actions, motives, and drives.
- Don’t let immediate gratification take control over you.
- Come more in touch with reality instead of idealism and hypothesis.
- Take a holistic view of your partner: Look at your partner in a more holistic way, considering things that aren’t compatible and that you dislike.
Conclusion
Being romantic is never a problem but too much of anything is not good those who grew up witnessing unhealthy relationships in their family or have a history of unhealthy relationships tend to be more hopeless romantic and more likely to seek partners they are in constant quest of partner and feel lonely if they are not seeking someone being a hopeless romantic isn’t toxic but it can be toxicity simply means the excess of anything.
It is not written somewhere that excess could be of only negative aspects too much niceness too much availability too much enthusiasm and investment in a relationship is also excess and therefore toxic. Undergo self-analyze and look at your actions, emotions, involvements, and entire dynamics holistically, and work on it to build more healthy and meaningful relationships.