Grief is a complex feeling; it’s not just limited to psychological experience. Grief can have behavioral and even physical symptoms. Usually, it begins with the experience of significant loss. Grief often includes separation anxiety, confusion, yearning, obsessive dwelling on the past, and apprehension about the future. Intense grief can induce self-neglect and suicidal thoughts.
Grief is similar to bidding farewell to a cherished chapter of life. I know I’m going to discuss stages of grief, but in psychological literature, these are labels and names to comprehend grief intellectually. Whereas grief has no set pattern, even these stages do not exist in a chronological fashion; they aren’t necessarily linear and sequential. An individual can experience two stages at the same time, and even after coming to the 5th stage, can get back to the 1st stage.
Why we have stages of grief?
The stages of grief essentially serve as a psychological roadmap—a tool for understanding, coping, and navigating the labyrinthine journey of loss. They offer a sense of structure within the complex emotional landscape. It’s crucial for readers to understand that grief is deeply personal. In fact, any form of suffering is deeply personal. Therefore, these stages aren’t meant to define the intensity of grief because the processing of grief involves a significant element of the individual psyche beyond the actual loss.
Factors such as an individual’s cultural and societal influences, emotional resilience and vulnerability, diverse coping mechanisms, and the uniqueness of relationships determine the intensity of grief. For instance, comparing the grief from the loss of a pet to the grief of losing a person doesn’t imply that one should be less intense than the other. I’m shedding light on this because I often hear people say things like, ‘It’s not as sad as XYZ situation,’ or ‘Your suffering isn’t as intense as mine or someone else’s.’
Anyway, these stages merely provide a framework, not a rigid prescription, for the grieving process.
What are 7 stages of Grief
Firstly, these stages aren’t perfect. The well-known concept of the five stages of grief has been extended to seven stages in recent years to make the model more comprehensive it’s still debatable, and it’s entirely possible that one may not experience all these stages or might experience them in a different order. As I mentioned earlier, emotions are highly subjective and personal.
The seven stages of grief are as follows:
- Shock and Denial
- Pain and Guilt
- Anger and Bargaining
- Depression
- Upward Turn
- Reconstruction and Working Through
- Acceptance and Hope
Explaining Each Stage
Human emotions and feelings are complex phenomena. Therefore, as mentioned above, there’s no clear-cut distinction between these stages. There can be an overlap between any stage with anyone, which is why I consider the seven stages as a more appropriate concept than the five stages of grief. The seven stages of grief include two different emotions within one stage, making it more complex—or I’d rather say, closer to human experience.
Shock and Denial: Have you seen the drawbridge of a castle? Shock and denial are like that drawbridge—immediately shooting up when a flood of unwelcome, overwhelming external reality comes towards you. It prevents the immediate rush of emotions from flooding in; it’s a reflexive response. “I can’t believe this is happening, this isn’t true.”
Pain and Guilt: This experience of emotional pain can manifest as guilt, regret, or intense sorrow. People might feel remorse about things left unsaid or undone, and I think it always hurts that there wasn’t a moment to say goodbye. It reminds me of a dialogue in the movie Life of Pi: “I suppose in the end the whole of life becomes an act of letting go, but what always hurts the most is not taking a moment to say goodbye.”
Anger and Bargaining: I was at someone’s funeral, and there was a woman (who was in close relation to the person who passed away). She said, ‘God should’ve called me instead of him.’ That’s how grief manifests itself—when you’d trade anything; suddenly, you’re up for everything to change what has happened. That’s bargaining. Usually, bargaining is accompanied by anger. The emergence of anger occurs due to feelings of injustice, broken expectations, and a sense of powerlessness. ‘Why is the entire world against me?’ ‘It’s not fair!’
Depression: Grief can shatter your sense of normalcy, much like a tornado of shock, anger, and despair swirling around, leaving you tossed and turned, unable to find stable ground. It’s a profound melancholy where one often withdraws from usual activities and feels an overwhelming sense of hopelessness.
Upward: There’s a morning after every night, the first rays of dawn breaking through after a long, cold night when the sky shifts from pitch black to deep blue, signaling the possibility of a new day. I used this metaphor because of its gradual nature. In the seven stages of grief, the stage of acceptance doesn’t emerge immediately after depression as compared to the 5 stages of grief, which I appreciate because It takes time, much like clouds gradually scattering away. The seven stages of grief mention this without immediately jumping on acceptance just after depression, which makes them more comprehensive and gradual.
Reconstruction and Working through: This stage involves actively adjusting to the new reality. People start finding ways to live with the loss, seeking support, developing a new perspective, and beginning to rebuild their lives. It’s like picking up the broken pieces of your emotions and memories, shattered into countless fragments. Finding meaning and purpose in the midst of loss creates a new mosaic of your existence.
Acceptance and Hope: The disclaimer is that acceptance doesn’t necessarily mean everything is okay. It’s the realization that while the pain of loss will always be a part of your story, it doesn’t have to define every aspect of life. You start to embrace the reality of what has happened and begin to adapt to a new normal, acknowledging the truth of the situation without being overwhelmed by it.
Conclusion
The duality of existence is peculiar; it’s death that fills life with vitality, the night that makes day important, and sorrow that brings depth to joy. The realization of impermanence amplifies our appreciation of what we have. There’s a book by Ernest Becker “The Denial of Death” There’s a line that goes: “The bitter medicine he prescribes—the contemplation of the horror of our inevitable death—is, paradoxically, the tincture that adds sweetness to mortality.”